G'Day Mate

One of the funnier e-mails I've received this week :

"The questions below about Australia are from potential visitors. They were posted on an Australian Tourism Website and the answers are the actual responses by the website officials, who obviously have a sense of humour.

Q: Does it ever get windy in Australia? I have never seen it rain on TV, how do the plants grow? (UK).
A: We import all plants fully grown and then just sit around watching them die.

Q: Will I be able to see kangaroos in the street? (USA)
A: Depends how much you've been drinking.

Q: I want to walk from Perth to Sydney - can I follow the railroad tracks? (Sweden)
A: Sure, it's only three thousand miles, take lots of water.

Q: Is it safe to run around in the bushes in Australia? (Sweden)
A: So it's true what they say about Swedes.

Q: Are there any ATMs (cash machines) in Australia? Can you send me a list of them in Brisbane, Cairns, Townsville and Hervey Bay? (UK)
A: What did your last slave die of?

Q: Can you give me some information about hippo racing in Australia? (USA)
A: A-fri-ca is the big triangle shaped continent south of Europe. Aus-tra-lia is that big island in the middle of the Pacific which does not... oh forget it. Sure, the hippo racing is every tuesday night in Kings Cross. Come naked.

Q: Which direction is North in Australia? (USA)
A: Face south and then turn 180 degrees. Contact us when you get here and we'll send the rest of the directions.

Q: Can I bring cutlery into Australia? (UK)
A: Why? Just use your fingers like we do.

Q: Can you send me the Vienna Boys' Choir schedule? (USA)
A: Aus-tri-a is that quaint little country bordering Ger-man-y, which is...oh forget it. Sure, the Vienna Boys Choir plays every Tuesday night in Kings Cross, straight after the hippo races. Come naked.

Q: Can I wear high heels in Australia? ( UK)
A: You are a British politician, right?

Q: Are there supermarkets in Sydney and is milk available all year round? (Germany)
A: No, we are a peaceful civilization of vegan hunter/gatherers. Milk is illegal.

Q: Please send a list of all doctors in Australia who can dispense rattlesnake serum. (USA)
A: Rattlesnakes live in A-meri-ca which is where YOU come from. All Australian snakes are perfectly harmless, can be safely handled and make good pets.

Q: I have a question about a famous animal in Australia, but I forget its name. It's a kind of bear and lives in trees. (USA)
A: It's called a Drop Bear. They are so called because they drop out of Gum trees and eat the brains of anyone walking underneath them. You can scare them off by spraying yourself with human urine before you go out walking.

Q: Do you have perfume in Australia? (France)
A: No, WE don't stink.

Q: I have developed a new product that is the fountain of youth. Can you tell me where I can sell it in Australia? (USA)
A: Anywhere significant numbers of Americans gather.

Q: Can you tell me the regions in Tasmania where the female population is smaller than the male population? (Italy)
A: Yes, gay nightclubs.

Q: Do you celebrate Christmas in Australia? (France)
A: Only at Christmas.

Q: I was in Australia in 1969 on R+R, and I want to contact the girl I dated while I was staying in Kings Cross. Can you help? (USA)
A: Yes, and you will still have to pay her by the hour.

Q: Will I be able to speak English most places I go? (USA)
A: Yes, but you'll have to learn it first."

Chav Tourism

It was at a mate's birthday last night, that I heard a brilliant new idea for a the next BIG thing to hit the UK tourism industry - Chav spotting.

It all stared with that old chesnut of questions...."what is a chav"; my good friend (from Croydon, South London) tried to explain the concept to these guys from Switzerland (with some difficulty - in a country where an IR student's starting salary is £35k its understandably hard to grasp the concept) - her mate (also from Croydon) then intervened, suggesting we all go on a night out to Croydon....

The following e-mails resulted : scroll down and start reading from the bottom up...

From: Anon
Sent: 29 April 2005 14:57
To: Undisclosed recipients
Subject: RE: CR0ydon tours..

As we said you can't schedule fights in croydon they just happen. i know for sure there will be at least one though .... shoes anything as long as they aren't not trainers- otherwise you'll get agro from bouncers but then again... good plan for starting a fight! wear some bling bling man jewellery guys-medallions, gold chains, signet rings etc. girls we’ll do scrapped back ponytails so stock up on the hairgel.

Pierre no dogs racing in croydon as such but look at a guy with a dog the wrong way and there will be dog fighting…. Most likely to occur in new addington. We’ll bring some chicken nuggets to bait them…

can't wait - itinerary of fun pending...

-----Original Message-----
From: Anon1
Sent: Fri 4/29/2005 1:40 PM
To: Undisclosed Recipients
Subject: WG: CR0ydon tours..

I already soooo excited.... is the fight gonna happen at the new addington estate? or is that scheduled for later in a raunchy pub? do we have to wear special shoes or bring anything? please let us know.

-----Original Message-----
From: Anon
Sent: Fri 29/04/2005 12:59
To:
Cc:
Subject: CR0 tours..

yo G

for the griitty forensics crime elemenet of the tour we should go to the new addington estate we can get the tram out there and see criminals in their natural breading ground- and we also have a real purpose to use the tram. pass on to the massive

Westside

x

____________________________________________________________________

Whilst Spindoctor is not normally one to dabble in the stock market, Chav Tours is definitely an industry to watch...as my (other) good friend from Harrow would say - "innit" !

The Ideal Birthday Present



Some of my readers may recognise our mystery man...


Surely some mistake ?

One for the geographers - actually saw something simillar to this in the Aeroflop complimetary magazine when I flew to Moscow a few years ago; they had London where Birmingham should be...

This didn't exactly fill me with confidence - although we did eventually land safely, to considerable applause in the cabin !

Thanks to Richard for this - check out his site at www.wentnet.com.



Also got rejected for a place at Cardiff Uni today (to do a postgrad journalism diploma) so not feeling any great warmth towards the sheep-shagging scum, er the Welsh.

Election Update

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Another Grauniad cartoon you deserve to see.

Apparently the Tory boy in Hammersmith and Fulham (amazingly lacking a double-barrelled name) has just sent out a load of election leaflets with the title "Action on Immigration" : below, helpfully, is illustrated a map of Africa coloured in - yep you've guessed it - black...

The Web of (Terrorism) Spin

Living as I do in (what we are led to believe is) the number one terrorist target in Europe, I generally feel safer knowing that the authorities are taking measures to combat the threat of terrorism...I'm liberal but I'm not a total dumbass when it comes to my security.

So I was quite relieved to read that someone who offered a shoulder-launched anti-aircraft missile for sale (although quite why Bin Laden needs to buy now what the CIA were quite happy to give him in the 80s is something of a puzzle).

This relief, however, was short lived : the man's name was Hemant Lakhani; the person who was selling him the weapon was an undercover FBI agent - the person who sold him the "weapon" was cooperating with the Russian security services (the FSB, not the KGB - new name, same friendly service), who were in turn cooperating with the Americans; the missile was of course, by arrangement, a dud. Thus the whole crime was, essentially, staged by the US and Russian intelligence services.

In other words, in the war on 'turr', the US government has been reduced to creating its own crimes to miraculously then solve. I think this could be a great idea for a new reality TV series - arrange to meet people in obviously dodgy places, film them with hidden cameras while asking them to buy you all sorts of dodgy things...film then cuts to the presenter's friend arranging to deliver these dodgy things. Then, just as the deal is about to be concluded, Jeremy Beadle (don't think he's retured from UK TV although haven't seen him for a while) appears, beard and all, and everyone bursts out laughing.

Then the hapless victim is led away to prison for a maximum of 67 years...

On a serious note, its obvious from this example there simply isn't enough crime in the States to keep law enforcement occupied...we've all been bored before but surely making up crimes to solve is not the answer...perhaps a better idea would be to send them to a country desperately lacking the means to enforce the rule of law...what's the weather like in Abu Grahib this time of year ?

LSE

In case anyone reading this is considering going onto the LSE campus to study - DON'T.

Absolutely rammed full of people - no free computeres anywhere...

Total nightmare.

Normal service will be resumed next September when Howard admits even more students to a fixed and limited capacity campus in pursuit of the all important $ signs.

I'll be long gone...

Reality TV - Saudi Style

The life of a reality TV star is never an easy one (do I hear scoffs or sniggers in the background ?) - especially not when, in addition to being mobbed by hundreds of male and female fans wanting to kiss you (a trauma in itself), you also have to contend with, er, the vice squad.

Hisham Abdel Rahman, 24, winner of this year's Star Academy, was apparently mobbed by male and female fans wanting to kiss him and shake his hand in Kingdom Tower Mall.

Religious police patrolling the area deemed the scene "improper" and tried to break up the crowd...when Rahman (incidentally also the name of my landlord - no relation surely - well in Turnpike Lane you never know) refused to leave he was forcibly escorted out and taken to the offices of the Committee for the Propagation of Virtue and the Prevention of Vice (I'm sure the Taleban had one of these but seeing as Saud is our noble ally in the war on t'urr it would be churlish to make such comparisons) for" interviewing", according to the Arab News.

He was freed and flown back to his home town of Jeddah after an intervention from the office of the Riyadh governor, it was reported...

Now the sanitised version (for the benefit of any defamation lawyers reading this) Mr Rahman told the Saudi-owned Asharq Al-Awsat he was neither detained or mistreated saying it was "merely purposeful rumours".

"What really happened was that a Committee member approached me, with all due respect, and asked me not to stay among a big crowd. I took my family members (away)... until the crowd disappeared and then we left for Jeddah as if nothing had happened," he said.

Given a choice between Gary Rhodes or Gordon Ramsey hurling abuse at me or, alternatively, being "interviewed" by the Saudi vice squad I think I'd pick the former...well actually its a tough one isn't it ?

Chav Abuse

Just received this email while (bored) in the library...Thanks Andy - you've brightened up my day no end.

1. What do you call a Chav in a box? Innit.
2. What do you call a Chav in a filing cabinet? Sorted
3. What do you call a Chav in a box with a lock on it? Safe.
4. What do you call an Eskimo Chav? Innuinnit.
5. Why are Chavs like slinkies? They have no real use but it's great to watch one fall down a flight of stairs.
6. What do you call a Chavette in a white tracksuit? The bride.
7. You're in your car and you see a Chav on a bike, why should you >try not to hit him? It might be your bike.
8. What's the difference between a Chav and a coconut? One's thick >and hairy, the other's a coconut.
9. What's the first question on at a Chav quiz night? What you >lookin' at?" > >
10. How do you get 100 Chavs into a phone box? Paint three stripes >on it.
11. Two Chavs in a car without any music. Who's driving? The police
12. What do you call a chav with 9 GCSE's? A liar.
13. What do you say to a chav with a job? Can I have a big mac >please
14. What do you say to a chav in a suit? Will the defendant please >stand
15. What do u call a knife in chaville? Exhibit A
16. Why is 3 chavs going over a cliff in a Nova a shame? A Nova >seats 4
17. What do you call a 30 year old chavette? Granny.
18. How many chavs does it take to change a lightbulb? One, they'll >screw anything. > > 19. What do you call 100 chavs at the bottom of a river? A start.
20. How many chavs does it take to clean a floor? None, "That's some >uvver bleeders job innit."
21. Why did the chav take a shower? He didn't mean to, he just >forgot to close the Nova's window in t! he car wash
22. Why did the Chav cross the road? To start a fight with a random >stranger for no reason whatsoever.
23. What do you call a Chav at college? The cleaner.
24. A bus full of Chavs were driving through Wales. As they were >approaching Llanfgogogferrinfourasoch they started arguing about the >pronunciation of the town's name. They argued back and forth until >they stopped for lunch. As they stood at the counter, one Chav asked >the blonde employee, "Before we order, could you settle an argument >for us? Would you please pronounce where we are... very slowly?" - >The blonde girl leaned over the counter and said, >"Burrrrrrrr-gerrrrrrr-Kiiiiing." > >
25. Two chavs jump off beachy head, who wins? Society.

Hardworking Families

Keep hearing references to 'hardworking families' in this election camapign.

Presumably politicians' use of this term means that there are some families they regard as not hardworking, i.e. lazy.

Lazy people are human beings too...I think they deserve a party to look after their interests at Westminster.

Oh another cracking manifesto from the Monster Raving Loony Party; aka the BNP (the wide-awake scion of UKIP); whilst they've gone for the de rigeur "being tough on the causes of crime - criminals" (especially rich given half of them have criminal convictions and their leader is, as we speak, facing criminal charges), their best pledge is to make owning a compulsory assult rifle COMPULSORY (yes you read that correctly)...apparently to shoot burglars, asylum seekers etc.

Oh dear.

When did you last eat in Chinatown ?

Rooter: A Methodology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy

How often have you been given an article or whatever to read, having been assured by your lecturer that is will be useful, only to discover (several hours and coffees later) that - much to your disappointment - it amounts to total gibberish ?

Surprisingly enough this phenomenon isn't unknown at the LSE...gibberish writing is now even spreading beyond the confines of the International Relations dept.

So it was with considerable happiness that I recently read about three guys from MIT who decided to submit a nonsense paper to an academic conference. The paper was entirely computer generated. They also designed the program which was specially designed to put complicated sounding polysyllabic words together in a way which looked impressive - but, obviously, made no intelligent sense whatsoever...and, surprise, surprise, the paper (which was full to brimming with bogus references - as anyone writing a dissertation will tell you, convincing looking referencing will save all but the most bullshitty of comments) was actually accepted by the World Multiconference on Systemics, Cybernetics and Informatics, due to be held in Orlando this summer.

The paper was entitled : "Rooter: A Methodology for the Typical Unification of Access Points and Redundancy"..this, while clearly nonsense, is not (I suggest) a million miles away from some of the shit I've been reading over the past several days. I am thus writing this post as an open invitation to our Director Howard Davies to IMMEDIATELY invite these men to the LSE, where they should be given an academic post in a suitiable subject area...in addition to research they would be instantly qualified to teach a wide variety of undergraduate subjects in their spare time (sociology and legal theory to name but two)...

You can read the full text of their groundbreaking "paper" here...they've even developed a website enabling students to create their own gibberish academic paper, complete with graphs and diagrams...this can be accessed here.

At the moment it only writes computer science papers - so will be unsuitable for jurisprudence essays - unless of course you happen to be doing Foucault in which case you can probably get away with it.

And in a few years, who knows : we might even see : "Dissertation Writer for Windows" on our screens.

George goes to Rome

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Immigration

I'm not normally one to agree with the Conservative party over, well, anything.
But for once they might have a point...

Surely it can't be racist to have controls on immigration...after all, can we really have a situation where an Australian spindoctor with a track record for incitement to racism in his own country is free to come over here and peddle the same brand of nasty politics. Most famously, he diliberately exploited claims that refugees were throwing their babies into the sea (and thus compelling the Australian navy to rescuse them, take them to shore and thus allowing the refugees to enter Australia)...this was, of course, subsequently found out to be total bollocks; but only after the conservative PM John Howard had secured an unlikely poll win. We can't even give Crosby marks for originality - the "slaughter of the innocent" is an old chesnut as battle cries go.

I am thus joing Michael Howard in campaigning for tighter controls on the rights of Australian spindoctors to work in this country and take jobs away from empoverished British campaign staff that, frankly, need the work (anyone who's seen Hague's ex-press secretary Amanda Platell on her dire TV chatshow with Piers Moron will know what I mean)...

Actually the good news is that the Crosby "dog-whistle" tactic seems not to be working, if anything making Labour supporters more likely to turn out and vote...however, Crosby stands to make a tidy sum win or lose. And apparently, he's off to New Zealand on May 6th - another day, another election campaign...

God's Banker

One more 'Vatican related' postscript to add.

Unfortunately with all the furore over the conclave and subsequent appointment of Pope Benedict, there was one story the world's media unfortunately didn't have space for last week.

Four people have been indicted by Italian police over the killing of Italian banker Roberto Calvi. Calvi's body was found hanging from Blackfriar's Bridge in 1982. His pockets were weighed down with bricks and $14000 cash. His close ties to the Vatican earned him the epitaph "God's banker"; unfortunately he was also believed to have ties to the mafia and the powerful P2 masonic lodge. The first inquest came to the laughable conclusion that he had killed himself (which would have required acrobatics hard for a fit man to perform let alone an overweight 62 year old)...the investigation was re-opened by City of London police and their Italian counterparts last September after the suicide-inquest verdict was overturned.

The four accused are believed to have mafia ties and the accepted wisdom among investigators is that Calvi, who before his death was the Chairman of Vatican controlled Banco Ambrosiano, was killed for pocketing money the Sicilian mafia and the Camorra (Italy's 2 major Mafia families) had asked him to launder and for fear that he might reveal the extent of mob involvement in Italy's religious and political establishment. The full criminal trial is expected to begin in October (although Italian courts are not the fastest of institutions).

A trial exposing Mafia money laundering at the heart of the Vatican's finances...not exactly what the newly ordained Pope Benedict is going to want as a curtain raiser to his Papacy. Let's hope his reputation for efficient management of dissent extends to the Italian judiciary !

Click here for the BBC coverage of the story.

Ave Benedict

With a few puffs of white smoke drifting across the late-afternoon Rome sky, the decision the world's 1.6 million Catholics had been waiting for was made, the deal was done : Benedict XVI erstwhile Cardinal Joseph Ratzinger aka "the panzakardinal" was crowned head of the Catholic church.

The past few weeks have seen a bizarre (but entirely predictable) trend in the world's media which saw on the one hand the eulogisation of the work of John Paul and on the other the talking up of the possibility of a more liberal candidate filling his papal shoes. Thus conveniently airbrushed from the record were his hardline policies on social issues, the lies about contraception and HIV peddled by the Vatical on his watch, and his inertia over the problem of paedophile priests. Among the 115 Cardinals voting yesterday was Bernard Law, the former Archbishop of Boston who fled to the Vatican after US authorities threatened to prosecute him for protecting priests accused of abusing minors...JP was good enough to give him a new job - after all, what are friends for ?

In addition we've had an awful lot of, frankly, 'crap' , about how the mood was turning in favour of a papal candidate from either Africa or Latin America who would (in the eyes of Fleet Street) be a moderniser, bringing the church into the 21st century (presumably leapfrogging several centuries on the way).

Suggesting that a moderniser be selected to run the Catholic church is a bit like tipping Margaret Thatcher to come out of retirement and start selling Socialist Worker on a Glasgow council estate (or alternatively saying that Labour will be run by a Tpry...er, hang on a minute). The Catholic church doesn't DO modern - its very survival depends on backwardness and ignorance on the part of its 'flock'. Of course, virtually all the voting cardinals were appointed by the late JP so were never likely to vote for a candidate radically different from his Conservative mould..

So surprise surprise, we have another elderly hardliner. Formerly head of the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith (a department better known by its old name, the "Holy Inquisition"), he has been described as "God's rottvieller" and "the Pope's enforcer". He has argued - as JP did - that homosexuality is "a sin" and advocated denying Communion to pro-abortion candidates in the recent US elections. However, his keenness to intervene in politics has limits. He famously slapped several Latin American cardinals' down for preaching 'liberation theology' (i.e.fighting poverty and injustice) saying it "smacked of Marxism"....given that we are apparently to believe his predecessor brought down communism singlehandedly, you have to love the irony.

But perhaps the most telling evidence of what we can expect from Benedict's papacy comes not from Ratzinger's biography but, rather, the words of one world "leader" yesterday :

" He is a man of great wisdom and knowledge. He is a man who serves the Lord."

The name of this leader ? A one George W. Bush.

So You Think You're a Smart Ass ?

Recently received the following e-mail :

"TOP 5 SMART ASS ANSWERS FOR 2004 ACCORDING TO READER'S DIGEST.

SMART ASS ANSWER #5 A flight attendant was stationed at the departure gate to check tickets. As a man approached she extended her hand for the ticket,instead he opened his trench coat and flashed her. Without missing a beat....she said, "Sir, I need to see your ticket not your stub."SMART ASS ANSWER #4:A lady was picking through the frozen turkeys at the grocery store,! but she couldn't find one big enough for her family. She asked a stock boy, "Do these turkeys get any bigger?" The stock boy replied,"No ma'am, they're dead."

SMART ASS ANSWER #3: The cop got out of his car and the kid who was stopped for speeding rolled down his window. "I've been waiting for you all day," the copsaid. The kid replied, "Yeah, well I got here as fast as I could."When the cop finally stopped laughing, he sent the kid on is waywithout a ticket.

SMART ASS ANSWER #2: A truck driver was driving along on the freeway. A sign comes up that reads, "Low Bridge A! head." Before he knows it, the bridge is right ahead of him and he gets stuck under the bridge. Cars are backed up for miles. Finally, a police car comes up. The cop gets out of his car and walks up to the truck driver, puts his hands on his hips and says, "Got stuck, huh?" The truck driver says, "No, I was delivering this bridge and ran out of gas."

AND NOW ,,,, FOR THE ,,,, #1 SMART ASS ANSWER OF THE YEAR 2004:

A college teacher reminds her class of tomorrow's final exam. "Nowclass, I won't tolerate any excuses for you not being here tomorrow.I might consider a nuclear attack or a serious personal injury or illness, or a death in your immediate family, but that's it, no other excuses whatsoever!" A smart ass guy in the back of the room
raised his hand and asked, "What would you say if tomorrow I said I was suffering from complete and utter sexual exhaustion?" The entire class is reduced to
laughter and snickering. When silence is finally restored, the teacher smiles knowingly at the student, shakes her head and sweetly says, "Well, I guess you'd have to write the exam with your other hand."

Foucault & Jehovah's Witnesses

Had a knock on the door the other day; usual gang of Jehovah's witnesses, although they had a new questioing tactic this time. They asked me...."where do you think power really lies in the world ?".

It was then that I weighed up the relative merits of a) delivering an hour lecture on Foucault's thesis on practices and disciplinary power or b) closing the door....have to say I chose the latter.

A Divine Investment Opportunity

This week Spindoctor has a share tip for you...

Last week a US Oil Company Zion Oil (incorporated in Delaware - incidentally anyone reading this who can tell me why US companies are invariably incorporated here, please do let me know) run by a Texan Evangelist Christain commenced drilling for oil on a 95,800 acre site located onshore between Tel Aviv and Haifa...

Now I'm not an expert on the petro-chemical industry but I assumed that before an oil company actually spend millions of Dollars of shareholders money in setting up a drill and extraction machinery they would employ the services of specialist geologists to try and determine whether oil actually exists below the drill site...basic common sense, no ?

Imagine my surprise when I read that, the CEO of Zion, John Brown, is placing his chips (well to be fair his shareholder's chips) on, er, the word of God. "I prayed for oil and the Lord said 'yes'", Brown reportedly said in an interview...he then quoted a passge in Deuteronomy : "Be Asher blessed above sons, and let him dip his foot in oil".

He then added, "this is about proving the Bible's true," he added. What a brilliant opportunity folks : merely by giving this man my money I can prove the veracity of Bible. I will be calling my broker first thing Monday morning...I suggest all my readers do the same.

That these clowns have somehow become the most powerful nation on Earth is to my mind the best evidence yet that a) there is a God, and b) this God - for some unknown reason - favours them. I can think of no other logical explanation...

Recent Events

Sorry for the lack of postings recently,

Needs of revision, fucked up interviews (on which more later)...

In the meantime, an excellent letter appeared in The Guardian the other day :


"Now the Pope's wedding and Prince Charles' funeral WOULD have got me excited"...

It's (R)Over

Quick note for my overseas visitors : Rover - British car manafacturer regarded in automobile circles (and indeed the City) as outstandingly crap. If you were a middle-manager during the 1990s and not cool enough for a Ford, you'd drive one of these...

Alternatively think of M&S on wheels...

Having been ditched by BMW (who wisely realised it was making no money) it was bought by a bunch of venture capitalists, Pheonix, who's trimphant achievement (admittedly quite impressive) was to bring the company's losses down from £800m to £77m a year. Wow, I'm gonna invest my money ! Anyway, it looked for a while that Pheonix had found a bunch of gullable Chinese to buy our pisspoor car maker. Unfortuantely they too are beginning to realise they are boarding the Titanic of the business world, and are demanding guaruntees from Pheonix

So now Pheonix have asked the Rev Blair for a £100m bridging load to stop the banks pulling the plug...unfortunately His Reverence will now have to choose between on the one hand his dogmatic free market principles and on the other hand his natural desire to prevent mass job losses being announced less than a month before a general election which looks increasingly likely to turn on Brown's management of the UK economy.

Will Tony be able to suspend or modify his principles for favourable headlines ? Stay tuned to find out - although I think we already know the answer...

One Careful Owner

Just received the following advertisement.
Apparently this vehicle was owned by a little old man (now tragically deceased) who only drove it to church...Spindoctor rating : STAR BUY.