Message from Malcom

"Dear Soccer fans,

As you all know, i've been looking to buy the United's of Manchester for a little while now. I've also heard that some of you may not be too happy about me using, sorry, buying the club in order to reach new heights and also, that I may not be a fan.

Well fear not, as i'm writing this personal letter to let you know thatI'm a genuine fan of you blue devils. I began rooting for the United's back in 1992 when our little Malcolm JR was practising those Soccer home runs out in the yard. I loved the way you turned defence into offence, and the way that Bobby Shearer used to top half it into the goal bag. Oh man, that play was hot. My son tells me that you even out-zoned your City rivals Southampton in the 4th quarter of the FA World series.

As for your current team, that Rude guy is awesome!!!! I see a profitable future at the United, with the young talent of Cristiano Rooney (man, that guy can dance!) and Peter Shilton giving us hope in defeating the evil Russian tyranny which assaults the freedom of our beloved Soccer. With the marketing potential of those Neville brothers and that Pearce dude leading the team, we can all look to acheiving our beliefs of a better future. Especially when I add Alexei Lalas and Cobi Jones to the starting 15.

Now to you, the fans.

I've been to see the United's play once before, and the respect you pay your team in silently admiring the play out on the pitch was overwhelming. Because of this, i've just purchased a new £45 million mansion in the Manchester to be close to you guys. And more good news is i'm planning to add an extra 10,000 seats through corporate boxes so more genuine blue devils can experience the play. What's with the prawn sandwiches I had to eat when I was there? Well, restassured, it'll be super size prawn baguettes when I take charge.I can't wait to come over to the Manchester isles, as I love the country,
especially the beaches and the hot chicks. I hope you can all see my vision of this future, with new shirt sponsors (Dunkin Donuts) and new team name (The Manchester Gloom) i'm sure things are looking bright. Further good news for you guys is that i've just agreed a partnership deal with McDonalds, who will help in promoting the Manchester brand. This will involve re-naming the stadium to 'McTrafford' as well as an exciting launch of Manchester Gloom plastic fan toys in every happy meal. Cristiano Rooney will be the face of this campaign and during this, he will be marketed globally as Roonald McDonald.

Take care dudes.

Regards
Malcolm."

Anyone lost a pet ?

Finally a story to show that British suburban life isn't quite as dull as it first appears.

Apparently a strange looking creature, described by one witness as being "like something out of Doctor Who" is on the loose in the normally tranquil seaside town of Lytham St. Annes, Lancashire. Below is an artist's impression of the creature :



Apparently Lancashire police have confirmed that no zoos and farms happen to have lost a mutant deer cum giant rabbit cum dog (thank goodness for that). However if this is YOUR pet, do let the authorities know before some old dear in Lytham has a heart attack...

Human Rights

A couple of years ago, the Saudi authorities arrested a handful of British expats; there had recently been a few explosions in and around Riyadh and the Saudi authorities were keen to cover up the fact that Al-Qaeda operate on their territory. Thus they made up some total bollocks about a 'bootlegger's turf war (alcohol is illegal in Saudi Arabia) being responsible. These British guys - who were, naturally beaten up and tortured by the police - "confessed" and (a couple of them) were sentenced to death by public beheading...meanwhile Jack Straw (the deputy foreign secretary - the head honcho at the FCO is, as well all know il-Presidente Tony) wrung his hands. To criticise Mr Bush's friends would just be rude.

Anyway these guys were eventually released and fled to London...where they prompted sued the Saudi government; initially they were unsuccessful, it being held that Saudi is entitled to state immunity). However last October the court of appeal (obviously having one of its more enlightened days) overturned this decision saying a state wasn't entitled to a blanket immunity in respect of "serious international crimes" committed by its officials...today lawyers for the three men got permission from the appeal court to seize Saudi state assets in order to pay their costs (which it has been ordered to do). Given Saudi Arabia's one of the richest countries in the world I'm sure they won't have any trouble in finding £100,000 worth of assets to get their sweaty palms on...maybe some of the royal family's rolls royces for starters ?

Another source of potential amusement awaits : what happens when some enterprising human rights lawyer comes along and tries to apply the principles of this case to US torture in Guantanamo/God knows where ? Presumably the case will be confined "to its special facts" - we can't very well go upsetting our friends now can we (those familiar with human rights might compare the treatment of jurisdiction in Bankovic - NATO states and Lozidou - Turkey).

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As an aside apparently its now possible for terrorist suspects to be extradited to the US without the US authorities having to demonstrate any kind of prima facie case...how many people have heard of the Extradition Act 2003; I certainly hadn't before today. Of course once 'stateside' there's nothing to stop them being declared enemy combatants and 'extraordinarily-rendered' (American-English for kidnapped) to anywhere in the world...

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Oh one last thing, met a very-corporate focused Slovakian the other day (they do exist), and he asked me what human rights were and what was the point in studying them...I then explained explained, "human rights is when they take your money away"...incidentally anywhere taking bets on the Khordorkovsky verdict ?

Ipods Should Come with Parachutes

Well it really hasn't been a good week; had my first (and worst) exam yesterday. For the past few weeks people have been constantly asking me, "Tom how do you revise" blah blah blah - now I have an answer.

Sunday - the day before - go into the library bright (well its bright outside, obviously, but the library has an aura of perpetual gloom all its own) and early...sit down and actually feel like I'm getting somewhere. So happily trot off at lunchtime to find the mythical 'good value lunch' in Covent Garden...as I go down the stairs I pull out my Ipod. It slips from my grasp and falls onto the stair, bounces and then, by virtue of Norman Foster's superb open plan design (see LSE Library) falls 3 floors, breaks in two and nearly (some would say this is the greater tragedy) kills someone on lower ground floor)...needless to say this did not put Spindoctor in the best of moods.

So, in answer to the question 'how do I revise', I write off my Ipod before my worst exam and give someone a near death experience...a more interesting question stemming from this is whether £200 a time is too expensive a solution to the overcrowding that has bedevilled LSE of late.

Anyone reading this from Apple...guys, put a parachute on the 5G model !

Spindoctor hates...

Legal Theory - a plague on the houses of all jurisprudes...

Kingfisher Airlines

As someone with first hand experience of Indian buses, the news that they were to get their own budget airline did not altogether fill me with confidence...

However, I have to admit to being genuinely impressed with what I've read. Kingfisher airlines (yes the same people that make the beer) has just started its first route linking Bombay with the rapdly developing hi-tech hub that is Bangalore...fares start at RS3900 (£48).

But this is no ordinary no frills airline...

As BBC News reported,

"Models work as flight attendants on the airline while its planes have
seat-back entertainment systems. "

The entertainment on Easyjet on the other hand consists of working out how to get into town from your destination airport hundreds of miles out of town - London Luton - don't make me laugh !).

The Chairman of Kingfisher later told reporters,

"We have extremely attractive and well-trained flight attendants..." - well-trained to do what, exactly, he didn't say.

So as I'm sat back flying over southern India, a gorgeous (and well trained) flight attendant hands me a cold beer (presumably not in a brown paper bag as is the custom in 'dry' states where alcohol is - technically - prohibited) I think - "Kingfisher don't do airlines...but if they did, they'd probably be the best airlines in the world" - hang on a minute...

The Nation Decides

And the shock news is...all three parties have won.

Surely, even with the shennanigans of the fradulent postal vote, this is impossible.
Apparently not - the headlines on BBC News read : Blair wins historic third term, Howard salutes a Tory recovery, Lib Dem success hails "new era".

So who won and who lost ?

Labour

Whatever last night's election was, a resounding endorsement of Tony Blair it was not; having been expected by most analysts to get a three figure majority he will have to scrape by with an advantage of between 60 and 70 MPs...while this number seems a lot, remember the difficulty he has had pushing through controversial "new" labour initiatives such as foundation hospitals and tuition fees - in the next Parliament he's going to have to listen to his backbenchers a lot more and generally try not to piss off the old labour majority in his party. Given that he seems to bear heavy responsibility, Gordon is going to be hammering on the door and the chances of Blair serving out a full term seem negligable.

The success of a couple of others at the expense of Labour in its heartlands also is worth remembering : the success of Peter Law (a popular local candidate who was shafted by the imposition of an "all wimmin" shortlist) and "Gorgeous George" (who is in fact, anything but) of the Sir-I-Salute-Your-Indefatigability Party are also a slap on the Blairite face as well as providing a sauluatory lesson in the dangers of not listening to the concerns of local people - given that Galloway dedicated his victory to "the people of Iraq" and the fact that he only look part in a tiny proportion of Parliamentary debates in the last session does not bode well for the people of Bethnal Green and Bow.

Lib Dems

When all said and done, this was a crap result for them : they are never likely to have such a "perfect storm" again. Indeed what their results show us that, while their left of centre approach has won them the Iraq-protest vote in the Labour heartlands (Manchester, Leeds, my own dear Wood Green), it has cost them support in Lib Dem-Tory marginals in the south and west. When the labour protesters go home at the next election, Charles Kennedy could well be left holding the baby (an appropriate metaphor) for a dismal collapse on both fronts.

The Tories

In fairness they did better than I expected (or indeed hoped), gaining around 40 seats mostly in London and the south-east...however, they still have a hell of a long way to go if they are to form a government any time soon. Good news for them is the results are good enough to ensure Dracula sticks around for another couple of years until a more sutiable candidate can be found (watch the new member for Windsor) - Howard was never going to make a Prime Minister...let's be honest here.

Election Advice

Vote early, vote often...

WebOfSpin predicts : landslide victory for the "Its Raining-Can't Be Arsed-All Politicians Are The Same-Would Rather Stay In And Watch T'telly Alliance"...

Suggest all my readers e-mail Michael Howard with best wishes for his forthcoming retirement - and, given that he represents Folkestone (at the eastern end of the Costa Gerriatrica), its sure to be a happy and peaceful one...

Abramovich

How Government Works in Asia; Vol. 2

WebOfSpin readers will recall the recent anti-Japanese demonstrations in China, triggered by the publication of a new school textbook glossing over the war crimes committed by the Japanese in China during WW2...however it has been suggested that these 'protests' were not as much of a spontaneous act of the people as might have been suggested.

Apparently in one city, one protester was seen setting light to a Japanese flag - while another protester stood by with a fire extinguisher ready....

Now THATS what I call organised !

How Government Works in Asia; Vol. 1

This story from Private Eye too good to miss...
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“This is a story that’s been whipped up by my political opponents,” Lim El Djurado told reporters from his office in the Ministry of Social Affairs in Phnom Penh, “and I see no need to resign. It’s true that I am the publisher of two of our leading pornographic magazines, as well as their chief writer, but so what? I only write them at weekends, and without them I could not continue as a senior government minister, because I cannot live on my salary from the Department of Planning and Statistics.”

Lim was speaking after government attempts to confiscate pornographic magazines from Cambodian newsstands had led to the revelation that he was the publisher of Teenage Stimulation and Rooster. “My government salary is tiny, so what else is there but the pen? I spend Saturdays and Sundays writing the stories, in order to earn income for my two daughters to go to university, and they help with the design and layout before we send it to the printer. What is the problem? I don’t like writing about politics, but I do like writing about sex, and I feel shocked and afraid when somebody says I am doing something wrong. And besides, I don’t know what else to do on Saturdays and Sundays.”

(The Cambodia Daily, 11/2/05.)